That awkward moment when….

Someone tells you they’re pregnant. I mean damn, I am used to it by now because its been almost two years of trying and OBVIOUSLY women are going to get pregnant in the mean time, but  for those who know that you are trying too and struggling, it could be the most awkward conversation of your life. When someone comes up to me and is like “Hey, so I have some news” I immediately ask if theyre pregnant. It is like a knee jerk reaction at this point. I don’t mean it…its literally word vomit that comes up and beyond my control.

I have had this conversation with so many women over the past few months, including my own sister and sister in law and a lot of friends at work. It seems that when you start trying, everyone, and I mean everyone is getting pregnant around you. Some pregnancies weren’t even wanted, it was a “whoopsie” and all I can think about in my head is like “you’re a lucky bitch” Meanwhile I am over here with 18 negative pregnancy tests and counting. I have mastered the fake it till you make it code.

What I need these women to know is that I genuinely am happy  for them. I may have a moment or two where I cry or get angry, but it really has nothing to do with them or their pregnancies. It is more of the…I wish I could have what you have..will it ever happen to me….kind of jealousy….thing . I effed up big time with my sister because she sneezes and gets pregnant. (if you’re reading this – love you). She told me over the phone she was pregnant with her second after a day of trying and I kind of like…just wanted throw my phone against the wall. It sucked so bad because I wanted to of course be like OMG YES this is amazing, but all i could get out was…I’ll call you later. After the initial shock (lack of a better word) wore off, happiness and excitement set in and 9 months later, my nephew was born and he is my life.

I have had people hug me before they tell me, write me letters, ask me how treatments are going before they tell me, and every time a woman tells me shes pregnant its just as awkward for them as it is for me. I am so used to women getting pregnant around me that it barley phases me anymore. Also – getting upset that another woman is pregnant sucks too – because I want to show them how happy I am for them – but sometimes I just can’t…and that sucks. I just think it will take time to learn how to balance feelings with actions and vice versa.


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