Hormone Withdrawals

This may sound ridiculous, but I was on injections for about a month, then abruptly stopping because you are not pregnant, well damn, feels like I got hit my a truck. I also have so much anger….maybe some part in I am not pregnant / hormones/ anger towards my doctors.

Let me explain. It has been 4 days since I got the call that I am not pregnant and I was okay, disappointed, but okay. The doctors explained to me that they too were very confused, I had two perfect embryos going in. She went on that I can try for a frozen transfer in a month. (After my next period) The hormones will completely be gone from my body and my ovaries will be back to normal size. During my month off, they want to do a hysteroscopy or something to check the inside of my uterus…which I am sure will be fine. (also why wasn’t this done before my first IVF)  However, the one thing that got me, that has been stuck in my mind for 4 days, and that has getting me more and more pissed off by the day was that the doctor said that A LOT with fresh transfers (stimulating ovaries then putting in embryos the same month) your hormones are so high from stimulating your ovaries and are so unnatural that it can actually impact implantation. My numbers were high – and I mean close to OHSS high – so my body was literally like what the fuck is going on. I began to research this a little because i was like, meh women get pregnant with fresh transfers.

I started researching (only legitimate studies, med journals and stuff) and literally right there in black and white that if you’re so insanely stimulated like i was and had 26 eggs grow it could severely impact the uterine lining and implantation. I was like – what in the hell, why wasn’t I even told that this could even have been possibly a risk? I would have froze them all and put them back in a month! It would have been no big deal. So I keep reading and reading and same thing – your estrogen is 1000x normal amount which severely impacts uterine lining. Idk. I may be crazy – but I think this is why I am not pregnant – and I just wish I KNEW THIS before the disappointment of a failed cycle.

Well – my advice to you people out there – if you’re insanely stimulated and create so many eggs – realize that your body is in shock and may not be able to implant the embryos. Freeze all cycles from now on!

What is good is my period is finally starting and I am kind of coming out of the funk I have been in. A month break….ugh

My First IVF Experience

It has been a minute since I have been on here, but damn let me tell you something I have definitely not been myself. My first IVF ended up being a great success / a total failure all at the same time. Let me explain…

Injections /Medications before egg retrieval -I took injections in my stomach of  Gonal – F and Menopur. They were totally fine. I was not phased by the injections at all – until about day 9 out of 11. My ovaries were the size of oranges (normally the size of almonds) It hurt to walk. However- them being so big was great because…well…my body was creating SO MANY EGGS.

Egg Retrieval 2/20 – Today was a day I got surgery to take out these damn eggs that were causing so much pain. They gave me some drugs, went under, and before I knew it, i was waking up. Well – this was an amazing success. They got 26 eggs from my poor ovaries. 26! I was actually pretty close to having OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) which could have been bad – but i was just on the edge of not having it. I was so happy. Also – the doctors were so happy about Joe’s sample too – which they gave us zero information on. I got the call the next day that they got 26 eggs, 22 were mature, and 17 fertilized normally. My doctor said average was 8-10 eggs – so I was thrilled. I was pretty convinced I will never have to do medications / stimulation again.

2/25 – Embryo Transfer – Today was the day where they put day 5 blastocysts in me. I was very nervous and excited. This was the day I could get pregnant! The embryologist came to see me and he was very excited to tell me that I have to perfect 4AA grade blastocysts going inside me today and they had 11 more to freeze. This was another huge success for us. 13 out of 17 made it to perfect blastocyst stage. We are in a sense lucky…if it didn’t take the firs time we had so many other opportunities to make this work. We were happy.

Week before Beta – spotting ( everyone was like omggg implantation bleeding, i knew better) cramps, boobs hurt, headaches, back aches,  everything hurt – I was on 2ML of progesterone OIL which literally mimics pregnancy symptoms. COOL. I also never got off Google, which was DUMB AF but never again will I do that to myself.

3/6 – Beta Test – This day was when i went in for blood work, took off work, and just relaxed at home. My anxiety  was so high, I was puking (naturally i thought I was pregnant) on edge, heart racing….the whole nine. Well, I got the call that it didn’t take. I was disappointed but I am pretty good at accepting what comes my way. She explained that the embryos were perfect, but sometimes with a fresh transfer, our bodies are so overstimulated that it can actually impact implantation. I accepted my fate, realized we had 11 more opportunities, got drunk, and cried for a total of 5 minutes.

So you see why i was hugely successful in having so many perfect embryos and failed in that i didn’t get pregnant….

But – a few days later the anger set in…



So, its been about 11 days since I have been on medication. I started on Thursday Feb 8 and today is Sunday Feb 18. The last 10 days have been fine – the injections are truly not that bad…I did not have many side effects at all (I was told i may feel weepy). That is until I hit day 10 of meds. Based on my ultrasounds, my ovaries are the sizes of two oranges, and I AM SO SORE. And because they are so big – it pushes down or moves other organs and my lower back is in so much pain now too. However – it is almost over. Tuesday is my egg retrieval at 6:30am!!!

That’s all I really have to say – my ovaries are so big b.c I reacted so well to the medicine. I have 18 follicles growing on my right ovary and more than 10 on my left. It is insane to look at on the ultrasounds. THEYRE SO BIG. AND I FEEL IT. It feels like terrible period cramps. Honestly though – if this is all I will feel then its worth it!!!! I will keep you updated on the egg retrieval!


My Sanity after 5 days of IVF Medication

Today is Monday – and what a Monday it has been. I had an ultrasound this am – and I could not control my anxiety. All morning (my dog jumps on our heads at 4:30) I was just thinking to myself: What if I didn’t respond? What if no eggs grew? What if too many are growing and they have to stop? (yes – this is a thing) Why am i driving myself crazy? What is a good amount? And so on and on…

Anyway I get to my appointment at 8 am and I get my blood work – which I never see the results to. I wish I did – but maybe it is good that I don’t have results to something because I would probably obsessively Google it. Anyway – then its time for the ultrasound. I was so nervous I could hear my heart beating? Is this necessary? Probably not but I also had 1000x the normal amount of estrogen in me. So the doc rolls in and hes like okay lets get started. First thing he said was “full bladder much” im like im nervous doc, this is what happens. Next he goes over to my right ovary and hes like “Well, it looks like this one has woken up” and he begins to just count and count so many follicles. I think there were a total of 7 or 8 follicles, I cannot remember. They were also all ranging 8-10mm. Which is great for day 5. (*Side note: For ovulation to occur, follicles usually have to be between 19-20mm) Then he moves over to my left and same thing, he counted 5 follicles ranging from 8-10mm.

See, I thought that maybe the numbers could be better, but the doc said this was amazing. I have about 13 or 14 follicles growing strong. (obviously each month, women normally have only 1) and he said at retrieval (surgery to get the eggs) I should have about 10 eggs. That’s pretty great – I am excited about this. This is good news. So many potential follicles. WOOT

Okay – So im going to be honest here. These medications are truly no big deal. I had one moment where I cried and some times I get a minor headache…but damn from what you read about…I was prepared to feel insane. I mean granted – I am only on day 5 and it could take some more time, but I thought for sure that I would feel out of my own body insane. Well – definitely not the case. However, I definitely do have cramps from my ovaries growing so fast – that is literally it. This process is definitely not as scary as it seems at all. I feel normal for the most part with some moments of me saying “ok this is because of the hormones” . 🙂

My next appointment is Wednesday – hopefully we will have more answers!

IVF Meds = Sobbing for No Reason

On Thursday, 2/8, I had my first IVF appointment – got an ultrasound and blood work, paid, signed my life away, and met with the coordinator to learn how to mix my medications. Ultrasound looked great, all they really look for at this one is making sure no follicles started to grow or no cysts are there to prevent us from moving on. Well – all looked good so this month has the green light! Blood work i think looked fine, I hadn’t seen any results yet. I paid the business office – basically all stress free until i met with the IVF Coordinator.

The IVF coordinator took me into her office and went over all my medications that I will be taking…oh…and mixing too. I had to learn how to mix salines and powders and this and that then putting them in syringes then giving myself the shot – instant anxiety. I was like – I hope i don’t mess this up. I left the office feeling a bit anxious, nervous, excited, and worried about what I am about to put my body through.

The doctors messaged me through an online portal telling me the medications that I should take and at what time. I have to take 300IU of GONAL -F and 150IU of Menopur everyday until my next appointment on Monday Feb 12. It is a lot of medication and I had to mix them alone. I was nervous about mixing them and it took me about 45 minutes. I sat down at my dining room table and read over the directions they gave me again, tried to remember what the coordinator talked about, and also tried not to freak out. GONAL-F was easy. Insert saline solution into one container and that was it. Suck it back out with a needle and bam – 300IU was measured on the syringe. In perfect cursive.

Menopur on the other hand can go jump off a bridge. I had to mix like 4 different containers, I lost about 500$ worth of medication because I thought there was air in the needle and there wasn’t and it SHOT OUT and I was literally like fug this shit. I almost lost my shit, until Joe came in, calmed me down, and I finally got the right amount of medication.  I injected it myself – it hurt – and it was done.

I know this may be all in my head but I kind of felt side effects immediately. I had that headache that I had when i used GONAL-F in the past (but literally it was 1/25th the dose in the past) and i had cramps – guess them ovaries are growinggg baby.

Day two of medication I had anxiety dealing with the Menopur and I had it in my head that I was going to mess this up. I didn’t, it went well, but I was still freaking out. Cue me starting to sob. This was so unnecessary. I could not understand why I was so upset. Me being so upset was kind of a weird way of telling me that CLEARLY i didn’t mess up the meds, but still it sucked. Joe found me in our living room and he was like uh are you ok…and I was sobbing and laughing at the same time. It was actually like I belonged in a mental hospital. I explained to Joe my concerns about the meds, and he said there is nothing to worry about because I am sitting there crying on the couch in the fetal position. He also explained that if I am following the directions and getting as much meds as I can in me, that it will be just fine. After talking to Joe, I called one of my best friends and that bitch just laughed at me non stop. Which made me laugh too. Which was a good thing – until she reminded me that I ran over a bunny on my way to school – cue tears. Betch. But I told her she needs to record every time I cry for no reason to give me a good laugh one day.

I will keep you updated on my mooods – but so far – AFTER TWO DAYS OF MEDICATION – i have headaches and weepy. LMAO. I can’t wait to see what kind of mess I will be in a few days. ❤

IVF Injections Countdown: 4 days

…..I start injections in four days. Four. 4. Four. I know, as if repeating myself will change anything but its four days. For the last 10 days or so, I have been on the birth control pill, I guess to suppress any hormone activity and give my body a chance to be on a schedule that works for the treatment center. Well, I took my last pill today…and I have my three-four hour appointment at the center on Thursday (2/5/18). Apparently I will be there for a long time for initial blood work, ultra sound, and going over the medications. This will probably be the longest appointment through out the entire process (aside from the surgery)

Well speaking of medication, the HUGE box that was delivered to my house was the most overwhelming thing I have ever seen. I thought doing 3 total injections was bad, this is going to be 3 injections daily for 8-10 days. The amount of medication sitting on my dining room table / in my refrigerator is absolutely insane. It was an actual pharmacy that was delivered. I mean its scary to look at, but having injections in previous months (GONAL – F for an IUI) I know it wont be awful. However this is 100x the amount of medication. Will I have those intense headaches? probably. Will I turn into the Hulk if a student forgets a pencil? More than likely. Will I gain weight? was literally the first thing the doctor warned me of, so yes dammit. Will it be a lot to deal with and uncomfortable? I am sure of it, but I can do ANYTHING for 8 days, especially to have a child. I will power through whatever is coming my way.

Here is a little side note – the medication cost was about $9,000. I got the most amazing beautiful call from the Pharmacy in NJ and they said INSURANCE WAS COVERING HALF. The tech was literally like, we never see this, this is so unusual ESP from Tri Care, and I am going to send you everything and charge you now before anyone asks questions. She was looking out and I couldn’t have had appreciated it more 😛

Anyway back to what I was talking about. I am so ready to do IVF. I have never been this excited or hopeful in our journey to become parents. I never ever felt like this for IUIs, ever. IUIs have shitty chances, just like conceiving naturally. (and yes of course women get pregnant when they sneeze or IUI works for them, but statistically its shitty.) I am also terrified of being so excited because the let down if it doesn’t work will be 100x worse than IUI because I kind of am expecting it to work. My head and my heart are constantly battling each other like in my heart and my gut, i know it’ll work, but my head is like slow down betch you really never know. I guess were going to have to see.

Let this journey begin! and You can count on me to be brutally honest about the whole process just in case you may have to go through the same thing one day 😛

The shortest road of anyone’s life!

Two things: One: if you don’t know where that picture is from we wont get along. (j.k) but not really. And two: I am literally starting the IVF process in 3 days. What in the ever living fugggggg?!?!?!

So my husband and I went to the IVF coordinator today just to like chat about what to expect, medications (mother of god there’s 1000), side effects, signing our lives away, typical Wednesday. And I mentioned to her that my period should start Friday / Saturday and she was like well would you want to start this month, and I was like UM YES LETS DO THIS. So, ITS LITERALLY HAPPENING. I AM STARTING THE IVF PROCESS THIS WEEKEND.

I ain’t gonna lie. This is going to be brutal. I mean damn, people get pregnant for free all the time with no issue. And I have to turn into a 400 pound Hulk monster with baseball sized ovaries. I don’t care anymore because I actually have great hope this will work eventually. It sucks trying to be excited and also cautious at the same time. Almost 2 years of trying and I have never had hope like this, but also it sucks because OF COURSE you never know what could happen and It could not work for us. I don’t know. If doctors are optimistic, than I am. Its a real fun war that is happening in my head rn. BE EXCITED THERE IS A GREAT CHANCE IT’LL WORK vs. NO, REMEMBER HOW NOTHING WORKED IN THE PAST? lol just another Wednesday.

Here we go ❤ I will keep you updated on all events!

Week One: birth control (to suppress all hormones)

Week Two-Three: injections everyday and ultrasound/bloodwork every other day

Week 3.5 – egg retrieval!!!!!! ❤

Week 4 – implanting of embryos (hopegully there are a lot of healthy ones!

Week 5.5 – preggo testtttttttttttt

This little schedule I just made you is the bare bones of what I will actually be going through. So many medications. So many appts. this wont be easy. But it’ll be worth it!

Kind of a short road!

So in my last post, I had said that I did not know when I wanted to do IVF…well turns out…we are starting as early as next month! I am meeting with the IVF coordinator on January 24 and depending on when my period shows up, we can start as early as next week or a month from now. (you need to start medication on Day One)

How do I feel? Excited…I actually think THIS is going to work. I always had a gut feeling that this was the road we were going to have to take, but also have always had a gut feeling that not only would it work but I would get pregnant with twins. (if i get pregnant with one – i don’t care lol)

I also feel very anxious – I am about to put my body, mind, spirit, and husband through hell with hormones everyday and appointments every other day. It will be really intense. But it will be well worth the wait.

I also want to cry at the thought of the amount of money that I am about to spend….but I will also get over that and it will be well worth it.

Whats the rush? Well one, none of your business. I have gotten so man “what is the rush?” “Why are you doing this so fast” “why don’t you wait another year”. Hm, well last time I checked, your opinion does not matter when both my husband and I want a child. We will do what we want, when we want. However, if you really need to know, my husband leaves May of 2019…for a long time. I would like to have a child before he leaves. And thats that. That’s all you need to know.

My husband and I are very excited to start this journey. We believe that it definitely will lead to children and everything will work out by summer. Here we go!!

The Road to IVF

ITS HAPPENING. If you would have told me that I would be excited to IVF (invitro-fertilization) two years ago, I would have slapped you. I would have been like betch, i am not gonna need IVF you don’t know me. Yet, here I am, a year and a half later, having my first consultation and asking hundreds of questions on what will be happening to me in the months to come.

So I met with my doctor because I was over the IUI (intrauterine insemination) and I thought it was bullshit and turns out, she does too! She was just as ready for me to move on as I was. So for all of you who don’t know, IUI is when they grow eggs and when the time is right, they put his sperm in my uterus and kind of just hope for the best. Even with everything perfect, and I mean perfect, you really only have a 15-20% chance of conceiving…..THE FUQ. IVF is a completely different ball game. So broken down, the process is Consult –> meet with a nurse to order medicine –> take birth control pills for 11 days to get EXACT timing –> take shots for 10 days to grow every follicle I have –> have surgery for egg retrieval –> put a sperm IN THE EGG and fertilize it (this one to me is crazy that a doctor is LITERALLY going to create my child) –> place embryo back inside me and, well hope for the best again for it to attach. Crazy right?!?!?!? Here are the questions I asked with the answers I got. I AM PUMPED

  1. How much will all of this cost? – 10k-12k. I knew that was coming and of course non of it is covered. But they do offer payment plans, military discounts, and what not. Also – it is a one time thing. I thought it was going to be MONTHLY but no its one time util you run out of embryos,  I think. So its not as bad as I thought. That’s a plus
  2. What are my chances of actually getting pregnant? She said based on my health (which is very good) and age that my chances for ONE EMBRYO transfer is
    1. One Cycle : 50% chance
    2. Two Cycles: 68% chance
    3. Three Cycles: 80% chance
    4. My chances for TWO embryos is 60%, 75%, and 85% – I LIKE THOSE ODDS rather than the crap 15%
  3. How many embryos will they transfer? No more than two – transferring more than two is high risk and nobody got time for that. plus – triplets? really?
  4. Will my thyroid be checked more regularly? – yes, literally every week. COOL
  5. Can you tell if one embryo is better than another? – ok, the answer is yes, and its actually INSANE. You get basically like a report card on your embryos and they will say…ok this one is an A -there is a great chance it will attach. This one is a C – there is an ok chance of it attaching. WHAT IS LIFE?!?!?!?!?!?!?
  6. What are my chances of having multiples? If they put in two – which i will have them do – 52% chance. TWINS BABYYY
  7. Are there any dietary or work out restrictions? No alcohol, limit caffeine, and she said my ovaries will be so big it may hurt to run like I do, so she said only walk, yoga, Pilates, easy stuff.
  8. Is there a long recovery time? No – I can go back to work that day after the egg retrieval surgery and the transfer.
  9. Do I need to take off work? yes – for the transfer and the egg retrieval. They’re kinda mini surgeries. Also all blood work and ultrasound will be in the AM, and I would miss the first hour and a half of school –  so i was forced to tell my administration about whats going on – thankfully they were amazing.
  10. Are Joe’s numbers good enough – they are perfectly fine.
  11. How many eggs are you hoping to get? – Typically 8-12….that seems like a shit ton
  12. How many actually become embryos? Typically 50% of what is taken out…so if I produce 12, I will have 6 embryos ready and waiting.
  13. When will an egg transfer happen? 5 days after they are fertilized.

So I do not know when I will start this journey – could be 2 weeks – could be a month from now- could be whenever. I don’t know. But all I know is now I am excited that I have a plan and I am excited that 2018 will probably be our year of when I bring home a chlid! or children! WOOOT


New Years Resolution: Lose to Gain

As I sit here, snowed in for the 5th day in a row (Virginia – invest in a plow), bored out of my mind, I start reflecting on the new year and the “resolutions” that people make. I have made countless resolutions that never lasted just because they were so unrealistic and I was dumb. But obviously the most common ones are to lose weight, quit drinking or smoking, or start going to the gym. My gym is PACKED January 2 and then empty by February. Pretty standard. However, I am going to make a resolution this year. And I will sound like the most basic person you have ever talked too.

I cannot make the resolution that I will get pregnant in 2018, because well, you never know what is going to happen (even though I have a good feeling that I will). However, I am going to make the resolution to get healthier and live a healthier lifestyle…mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am pretty physically healthy and I work out when I can, but when my thyroid basically died, I did put on 15 pounds overnight. (remember – I thought I looked like telly tubby?) I always thought that I should actually put in the effort to lose it ( instead of saying I want to lose weight then go eat a bowl of brownie batter) but I didn’t because I was stressed about TTC and fertility meds DO NOT HELP the process of losing weight. Clomid and Progesterone make you bloat like NO OTHER to the point where it is painful. However, I am currently not on any medications (taking a couple months off) and I think its really time to just get the weight off. I mean, it can’t hurt, right? So, there’s that. Also, my friends and I are all doing this together so it will be way easier – thanks guys 😛

I am also vowing this….more so than losing some weight….to be healthier mentally and emotionally. Being nicer to myself. Not getting crazy about trying to have a baby. Letting go of this process and accept what is. Now actually typing that out sounds all well and good but damn it is going to be so much easier said than done. With my anxiety and ocd tendencies, let’ see how that goes – but hey I’ll be nicer to myself if I mess up 😛 It will a great year, I will turn 29, and I have a great feeling I will get pregnant. I’ll lose some weight and be a better me…ew I am such a basic cliché it hurts. don’t judge me!

I’m also gonna vow to not be all talk and actually DO what I say I am going to do. So everything above will actually happen. Happy New Year 🙂