New Year, Same Meds

Happy New Year Everyone! I decided to take a break from life and wait until after the holidays until I posted my updates. And well, based on the title and the amazing picture that I cannot stop giggling at, you guessed it, not pregnant.

I got my period Christmas morning. CHRISTMAS MORNING. Like, thats mean. I kind of knew it was going to happen, but whatever. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and laughed. That was my Christmas present. However, I was okay. Based on the IUI numbers and our chances, I totally expected a negative. I was also okay because my husband and I had an awesome conversation about our next steps. It made me feeling better making a decision. I was also okay because I started drinking immediately which gave everyone the hint to not ask questions 😛

Joe and I went to NY for Christmas to see our families for the holidays. On our way up on that awesome 7 hour drive, we made the decision that if this IUI did not work, we were going to move on from it. I brought it up to him and to my surprise he agreed with me right away, which just was a weight being lifted off my shoulders. IUIs definitely work for some women, but for most, they don’t. Even my doctor was like “don’t get discouraged, 20% of women get pregnant in 3 months with IUI”. So – do get discouraged / accept that this prob wont work? thanks Doc! Anyway, we made the decision to move on to IVF. Where doctors actually go in, get my egg, get his boys, put them in a dish, and then put them back inside me. Your chances go up to 60-70%. I like those odds.

Making the decision to move on was so amazing, yet gave me anxiety. Invitro-fertilization is scary for so many reasons but I think it is the best option if you want a child. Yeah I will be spending my child’s college fund trying to conceive it, but it will be worth it. That kid will drown in student loans like I am. But not only the cost (which I am guessing anywhere between 10-15k), but the struggle I will go through mentally, physically, and emotionally with all of the medications to grow all 15 of my follicles will probably be insane. Oh, my poor husband. I feel sorry for him already. Yes, it will be expensive. Yes, I will be a psycho path. Yes, it may not work. But honestly, I think this is the best chance we have. I made a doctors appointment on January 10 for the IVF consultation. I am so excited and already making a list of questions to ask. We are ready to move on from the BS that is IUI.

NEW YEAR PEOPLE. 2018 is my year. I will get pregnant this year, I feel it. It may be with 3 kids at once, but I do not care at this point!

The Thyroid is the HBIC

Yesterday, I had to go back to the endocrinologist for my routine check up on my thyroid. You know, that ridiculously important butterfly shaped organ that is in charge of all your hormones? Yeah, that one. Something that you really need in check if you’re trying to have a child. I literally had no idea the impact the thyroid has on your entire existence…physically, emotionally, mentally…everything. Even if your numbers are a little out of whack, you can feel like an entirely different person.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism back in June (2017) so only a few months ago. Before then though….basically the entire year before that…I knew something was off with me…especially from March until I saw the doctor in June. The exhaustion that I felt all the time was so intense, that I did not want to go to work. This may sound ridiculous, but my face swelled. I looked at my husband and I was like “Why do I look at a Telly Tubby? What is going on with me? Why am I gaining weight when I work out and eat great? Why am I exhausted ALL The time? Why are my cycles ranging from 28-48 days? (No, I am not joking…and you wonder why we were struggling to get pregnant lol). Even my mom asked me why my coloring looked terrible. I thought honestly it was from the stress of trying to conceive. But thankfully after months and months of trying we went to a fertility specialist and she wanted to check my thyroid because the red flag for her was that my cycles ranged from 28-48 days. She was like…lets check ya thyroid.

Well, thank god she did, because my numbers were pretty bad. I had mentioned to her about the weight gain and the exhaustion and everything, and she was like well, it makes sense. I was kind of relieved honestly to have an answer of why I was ballooning, why my periods were so whacky, and why we weren’t getting pregnant. She diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and sent me to an endocrinologist immediately. This will be a lifelong treatment.

When she diagnosed me, I could not believe the effects that a non stable thyroid can have on your body and your chances of having a baby. I mean, of course there are always exceptions where women get pregnant with a shitty thyroid but she mentioned to me that if your thyroid isn’t stable, you have a high chance of not conceiving, and if you do, you have a high chance of miscarriage and fetal problems. LIKE WHAT?!?! So I kind of learned that day that even though we had been trying a year….our chances were pretty slim. I was relieved / pissed. The strangest feeling ever.

Being regulated now, I really do feel great. The weight is slowly coming off, my face deflated, and I feel less tired (I mean I am a teacher and that’s exhausting but no where near what I was feeling ha) I highly recommend people getting their thyroid checked out if they are feeling off or anything. It could really make the biggest difference. 🙂 Especially when trying to conceive!

TWW got me like…

When trying to conceive, the two week wait is the two weeks from when you ovulate to when you can take a pregnancy test. Usually 14 days past ovulation, its a 99% accurate positive or negative. However, most women never know when they ovulate but, I have know down to the hour – I think thats pretty cool.

Before I saw the fertility doctors, the two week wait was torture. I would analyze every symptom and google it for reassurance. My boob hurt for 1 minute…could I be pregnant? My obsession for every little cramp, twinge, and pull in my uterus became so overwhelming! I was driving myself crazy to always get a negative test.

Now, after 19 negative pregnancy tests, I do not care about the symptoms…ESPECIALLY now that I am on the evil hormone progesterone. The extra Progesterone makes you bloat, boobs hurt, tired, moody, emotional….everything you can think of….which makes you believe that you could be pregnant. Then it also makes your period late too, until you stop taking it. Its not nice!

The real MVP in all of this is my poor husband. He deserves a medal for dealing with my mood swings. We could literally be sitting there and Ill either start crying or yelling for no reason, all the while thinking like this has to be the hormones, calm yourself. Then I would be fine 4 minutes later. I have to remember that he is on this roller coaster with me and it effects him just as much as it effects me. (emotionally, not physically) Without him, this journey would absolutely suck. When I am sad, he makes me happy. When I am anxious, he calms my nerves. When im hopeless, he gives me hope. He is just the best.

So to all my ladies out there in the two week wait…I am with you. We got this. Stay busy. Go for a walk or have a glass of wine, whichever you prefer 😛

That awkward moment when….

Someone tells you they’re pregnant. I mean damn, I am used to it by now because its been almost two years of trying and OBVIOUSLY women are going to get pregnant in the mean time, but for those who know that you are trying too and struggling, it could be the most awkward conversation of your life. When someone comes up to me and is like “Hey, so I have some news” I immediately ask if theyre pregnant. It is like a knee jerk reaction at this point. I don’t mean it…its literally word vomit that comes up and beyond my control.

I have had this conversation with so many women over the past few months, including my own sister and sister in law and a lot of friends at work. It seems that when you start trying, everyone, and I mean everyone is getting pregnant around you. Some pregnancies weren’t even wanted, it was a “whoopsie” and all I can think about in my head is like “you’re a lucky bitch” Meanwhile I am over here with 18 negative pregnancy tests and counting. I have mastered the fake it till you make it code.

What I need these women to know is that I genuinely am happy for them. I may have a moment or two where I cry or get angry, but it really has nothing to do with them or their pregnancies. It is more of the…I wish I could have what you have..will it ever happen to me….kind of jealousy….thing . I effed up big time with my sister because she sneezes and gets pregnant. (if you’re reading this – love you). She told me over the phone she was pregnant with her second after a day of trying and I kind of like…just wanted throw my phone against the wall. It sucked so bad because I wanted to of course be like OMG YES this is amazing, but all i could get out was…I’ll call you later. After the initial shock (lack of a better word) wore off, happiness and excitement set in and 9 months later, my nephew was born and he is my life.

I have had people hug me before they tell me, write me letters, ask me how treatments are going before they tell me, and every time a woman tells me shes pregnant its just as awkward for them as it is for me. I am so used to women getting pregnant around me that it barley phases me anymore. Also – getting upset that another woman is pregnant sucks too – because I want to show them how happy I am for them – but sometimes I just can’t…and that sucks. I just think it will take time to learn how to balance feelings with actions and vice versa.

IUI #4 and feeling….

Well, not that great. Going into this IUI, I was feeling wonderful. I KNEW I three eggs that would probably drop and I KNEW that our chances would be so much better this month – until we got back the semen analysis…(for an IUI, the doctor washes the sperm, filters out the bad ones, and only puts the perfect sperm in your uterus). My doctor has said in the past 5-10 million post wash sperm is a great amount. Anything over 10 million really doesn’t increase your odds – something that I will never ever ever understand. Anyway, Joe’s numbers were about 2.5 million. Kind of low for him..actually really low for him, so I am not sure what happened. We both kind of were like…deflated, obviously we wished it were more. But in my mind, im like 2.5 million of these little things are inside you, that seems like a lot right ?!?!

The doctor came and and explained the numbers to us. He did not seem that concerned honestly and still went through with the procedure. He said it is a little low for what they like to see, but hopefully one of them (YOU ONLY NEED ONE DAMNIT) grabs one of the eggs. I told him that there should be three dropping and he was like, still only one, triplets are scary. I laughed. He definitely lightened the mood. I asked the nurse and him if the sperm count numbers were enough to get me pregnant…because I am a psycho and need constant reassurance. The nurse shook her head yes as if she had zero doubts in her mind, and the doctor said, well, even though they are lower that what we hope, we see people get pregnant with way worse numbers. I think he definitely put my husband at ease, but not me.

I don’t know, I kind of feel defeated. I had so much hope, and whenever I do, something always comes in the way to squash it. Whether it be my thyroid or his sperm count…neither of which we can control. I had injected myself for a week to grow more eggs, and that worked beautifully. I had three mature eggs that were dropping…but then his sample was his worst out of all the times we did this. Its like, really? It had to be this time when I had multiple eggs that the sperm could get too. COOL. Not to mention, my sister literally gave birth yesterday, which I am thrilled about, but also made me want this time to work that much more…and now it seems SO out of reach.

I am not expecting much from this month – unfortunately. People are like “stay positive” “just relax” – those people can kiss my ass. Unless you’ve been through this, do not talk to me about relaxing and staying positive. Try staying positive when you get 17 negative pregnancy tests okay? Oh and the best part? I find out CHRISTMAS MORNING, with my family all around. Have a holly, jolly Christmas!

New Month, New Meds PT. 2

Exciting news! I had my ultrasound and blood work done this morning and I have A LOT of eggs growing. I have two right now that will probably mature, and I think theyre hoping for a third. That’s totally terrifying and exciting at the same time. I was given instructions to take the injectibles tonight (Wed) and Thursday night, and have another ultrasound on Friday. Hopefully from there we will do the IUI on Sunday. But of course, you never know what may happen.

I actually feel some sort of hope this month, not like the other months. Knowing that more eggs are growing makes me a bit more excited but also nervous. I am not putting all my eggs (pun intended) in a basket and getting too excited, because if you’ve been through this bullshit before, you know how much it sucks when you’re not pregnant.

Multiples could be fun….right?!

Update (Friday)
Went to the doctor, have 2 maybe three mature follicles. I am trying to not get my hopes up because the chances are still not the best…about 25-30%. It is such a crapshoot. But everything looks good and we are ready to do the IUI on Monday morning 🙂 Woo!!

New Month, NEW MEDS!

INJECTIBLES! I have graduated from only Clomid to now Clomid and injectibles. I truly never thought in my life that I would be here, but here I am, and its not as bad as I thought it was.
When the doctor informed that this was the next step after a third failed IUI, I was SO nervous. I did not know what to expect. For some reason, I thought injectibles made people crazy and hormonal and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to deal with it. (I mean if something made me more cray than I was on Clomid, we were in trouble). But I decided to dive head first because…well why not? When I got the call from this special Pharmacy, they were like ok we have your order that’ll be $500. I was like damn, not even going to ease me into it. But alas, I paid and the next day it was like a hospital was delivered to my house.

What comes in this huge box is 7 needles, a pen, a box to put your garbage I guess, and a packet of directions that was like an inch thick. THANK GOD MY DAD IS A PHARMACIST because i called him probably 40-50 times in a 2 day span asking questions about how to take this damn drug. Thankfully, it seemed scarier than it was. The big day arrived where I had to inject myself and I was so nervous i was going to screw it up. Turn that dial to 75 and press the button in my skin for 10 seconds, and it was over. Besides some slight burning sensation, it was fine and thankfully i have had ZERO side effects.

Taking these meds are no joke. After every shot, you need to go to the doctor the next morning to get blood work and an ultrasound. Then based on those results, the doctor calls you that afternoon to tell you when to take your next dose. Those people really have it down to a science, and I actually really appreciate them all and how hard they work. I will keep you updated on how my results go!

Mistakes I’ve Made While Trying

Look, in the beginning, trying to get pregnant was an absolute blast. Just hop into bed whenever we wanted and hope for the best. That lasted….oh I would say…4 months before I started getting panicky. And yeah I understand that some of you may be reading this and rolling your eyes at me, but its my truth….and my anxiety. Here are some mistakes that I made throughout this journey that I HOPE to never make again.

Using OPKs and Taking my temperature:

After four months of trying, I started using OPKs and taking my temperature. For anyone who doesn’t know what an OPK is, it is a device that you pee on to see if you are ovulating. Pretty simple. You get that smiley face – get to bed. I would pee on a stick everyday, sometimes twice a day, to try and get that smiley face. I would wait and wait then BAM. There it was. That stupid smiley face laughing at me saying its time. I would then go run and tell my husband to get into bed. – sexy right? Nothings says foreplay like “hey babe, I am ovulating”. I won’t even lie – that was the worst thing I could have started. On one hand, I always got a smiley face which I guess is good, but damn it the whole process like a chore and it was absolutely miserable. The romance and fun completely sucked out of the process and you are left with a check in the box kind of thing.

Taking your temperature is an even worse obsessive way to see if you’re ovulating. You have to take your temperature at the SAME TIME EVERY MORNING until you see a spike in your temperature – because apparently that means you ovulated (stupid progesterone). If you drank a glass of wine, your temperatures were affected. If you slept in your underwear, your temperatures were affected. If you got up to pee in the middle of the night – your temperatures were affected. It was so brutal and obsessive. My husband and I ended up stop using the tests and temps because it actually started affecting our relationship. It took the fun out of everything. We wanted the fun back.

TwoWeekWait Message Boards

So let me start by saying that these message boards can be GREAT for some women, but for me, it was just another way for me to channel my obsessive tendencies. Two Week Wait refers to the two weeks after you ovulate and before your period where you analyze every symptom you have and wonder if you are pregnant.

I trolled on one of these boards and was IMMEDIATLEY hooked. All these women sharing all their “symptoms” before they got a BFP! (Big Fat Positive – learned that there as well.) So if I had a minor cramp for 2 seconds – immediate check to see if a woman EVER had a cramp before! Slight headache? This woman says I must be pregnant because she had one too! Spotting? ITS IMPLANTATION! YOURE PREGNANT! No symptoms that month? THATS OK THIS WOMAN OVER HERE DIDNT HAVE ANY EITHER AND SHE HAD TWINS!

As you can see – it was a constant reassurance thing for me and it never ended up in my favor. Just because one woman felt something 6 years ago for three seconds and ended up pregnant, doesn’t mean you will too. It was eye opening. I do not think I will ever be back to one of those websites, because it got to the point where I would spend hours (no joke) on these websites. I got over it. That’s literally what happened. I just got over it. Like why let a website dictate my mood? BEATS ME!

Telling people I am trying

Obviously when you start trying for a baby, you want to start telling everyone you know because you think itll happen quick. Well, almost two years later, and no baby – well you do the math. People start to ask more questions like “What is going on?” “Are you okay?” “Did you miscarry?” (yes – that was a question I got). I know that people mean the best most of the time, but it is exhausting sometimes telling the same story over and over. Next time, I am keeping my mouth shut!

These three things did not help in my journey – they only made it worse. For you – it could have made all the difference in making everything better. Everyone’s journey is different, especially emotionally. When I try again in the future (you know hopefully after I have a kid), I will not be doing any of these things for my own sanity.

My Wittle Fur Baby

I feel like I need to make a shout out to my first fur baby. She is the absolute love of my life, aside from my husband, and I am so glad we got her. In spring of 2017, I told my husband, if we are not pregnant by summer, we are getting a dog. It made sense because I am a teacher and I had off during summers. Well obviously we all know that I didn’t get pregnant, so Maggie was brought into our lives. My husband and I drove an hour away to a Golden Retriever breeder, where I saw her at only 7 seven weeks old. I knew from the moment I saw her, that she was mine. We brought her home that day on June 24.

Ever since then she has just made our lives so much better. She is playful, funny, loving…literally anything you could want in a dog. I am not saying that she filled the void that a child would, but she definitely has helped. I never had a dog growing up so this is my first time truly having a dog and raising one. It has been a dream.

Am I Pregnant? No, that’s just Progesterone.

Okay, so of all the medications that you are put on for infertility treatments, progesterone is by far the worst. It is an asshole that gives you constant false hope, you know that “hey maybe this could be it” to an explosive period. Yeah, I said it. Ugh.

The doctors at my fertility clinic put me on progesterone suppositories after each IUI because…well…I am not sure. Probably to “build up my uterus” or something. That is what I am assuming. Well anyway, two days after the inseminations, I start this awful drug. Before I begin, let me just say that Progesterone is actually really important for pregnancy and you need a lot of it when you actually do get pregnant. However, when you take it for infertility treatments, it is the exact same symptoms as pregnancy. Sore boobs? got them. Tired? Can’t move. Bloated? I’ve gained 5 pounds, thanks for asking. Emotional? I don’t know maybe, I just cried at a puppy commercial but that could be anything. Period Late? Actually yes it is, but the doctor warned me it would be. MESSED UP. The PMS is 1000x worse than normal PMS. I cannot even begin to explain it. Your period will always be late as well, and as soon as you stop taking the progesterone, your period will come. And those cramps? I swear, its introducing me to what labor will feel like. I am not sure if there is extra lining or what, but damn….I swear it is probably the worst pain ive felt in a long time.

Long story short, Progesterone is a huge asshole that keeps you guessing, makes you think you’re pregnant, then bam gives you the worst period of your life!